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Published: 15.10.2013 @ 17:47 Category: Text Replies: 0

I hope you never see me the way I see myself. It's not that I feel ugly or feel like a badgirl or something, it's just that I don't feel good enough. And I don't want you to see me as a zero, as a girl that doesn't know who she is, a girl that doesn't know where she is going. I'm caught between who I am and who I want to be.

I've told it once, and I tell it twice. I can't find myself, I struggle so hard to be someone I want to be, someone I like, I struggle to laugh, I struggle to be happy and to find people who bring out the best in me, not someone I have to bring the best out for. The thing is that it should come naturally, but it doesn't. It's all because of this negative circle that I'm living in, it sucks the positive energy out of me. I guess I'm depressed in some kind of way, and i really hate to say it, but I'm also afraid.

Afraid to love or get loved. Love scares me. I let guys touch me, I really do, but nothing more. I am closed, I pretend to be a happy, smiling girl with a lot of confidence, just because that's what boys love, but the real thing is that I'm not a confident girl at all. And I won't let the guys know. It's been a long time since a boy touched me in another way than touching my body. Maybe I'm the type of girl that likes things that are concrete, like the ocean. Something I can point to and know what it is. I think that's why I struggle with love. I can't touch it. I can't hold on to it and make sure it never change. That's kind of what I'm afraid of too, change.

I hate it, because it brings me out of my comfort zone. And when I get out of my comfort zone, I get afraid, and I love my confident, and it all makes me sad. The worst thing about being sad is that you don't even know what makes you happy anymore. I have no idea of who what brings out the best in me and who that doesn't. I sometimes wonder why I met exactly that boy to that time, why I got hurt by people right there in that moment and why it happens with me in that second. I guess there will always be a reason why you meet people and why stuff happens with you. Either you need them to change your life or you're the one that will change theirs.

Text by Martine Sorthe

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